In the neverending quest to get rid of the last 20 pounds just won't seem to go away (and yes, I do realize that exercising a little more than once every two months might help), I have instituted a new mantra, borrowed from a friend of a friend. "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels". While it may sound harsh and shallow, sadly it is a truth for me. 4 boxes of honey glazed doughnuts could not make me feel as good as going shopping and trying on a pair of pants one size smaller than I normally wear. It may be society, but the smaller my pant size, the more beautiful I feel. I always pretend that I hate it when someone comments on whether or not they think that I have lost weight. I will bow my head down and say "Oh I hardly think so...but thanks anyways", but secretly I tuck that little compliment away to bring it back up later as I analyze myself in the mirror, happy that someone else has noticed that I look different. In my office right now, I am the Small Girl. The one who people bring in clothes for that don't fit them any longer; or comment about how they saw something at the mall, but didn't buy it because only someone my size could wear it. How wrong is it that this makes me happy? I think that most of it stems from the fact that I can't really separate myself from the fat girl that I was before. Mostly because at that point, I didn't think that I was overweight, I just thought that wearing a size 15 was "average" and that only freakishly thin girls wore a 9 or 11. Or that I just wasn't the type of girl who could wear tank tops, shirts with buttons down the front, skirts, or jeans without stretch material. And right now, I don't really feel that differently than the old me did, there have just been subtle changes that eventually led to who I am now. I have defined jaw line, you can see my family resemblance to others in my family, and wearing clothes isn't nearly as daunting as it used to be, just little things that lead to a bigger whole. I don't want to go back to the girl that I used to be, but everyday I am so afraid that I am going to wake up and be her again without even realising that it happened, therefore I just have to tell myself that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.