changes

Started the quarterly re-examination of my life again. Every so often, something will happen that will make me wonder if I am going about everything in the right way. Currently I am examining all of my relationships and wondering if what I see as unacceptable behavior is really acceptable, and if it is, have I always been blind to it? I always thought that I was smart enough to see all sides of a situation, but I think that I am just as blind to my own faults as everyone else is to their own. I want to be the best person that I can be, but I always seem to fall short of it because I am not really sure what I am supposed to be. I had a talk last night with a friend. This friend has been really good to me throughout our friendship, but I realized last night that there are limitations to how far they will go for me. I think what bothered me the most is that our converation just hammered home the fact that I just let everyone walk all over me. It as though I expect everyone to treat me like shit. Everytime someone says they feel horrible about something they did to me, I just pretend that it means nothing, and say that I understand where they are coming from, when in reality I don't. Or rather I do, but feel that I would act differently in the same situation. I find myself becoming resentful and angry towards them, but I can't figure out if I should be. There is a large possibility that I am just so self-involved that I can't see that their actions are actually based in reality, and it is me who is being unreasonable. Ugh.

Saturday night was one of those rare moments where I had a short window of rational thought. Saw how he should be treating me, but wasn't(question is did he see it?). Made me realize that not only am I the Queen of Cognitive Restructing, I am also the Queen of Wasting Time. When he told me that he was broken ages ago, I really should have listened instead of trying to make something out of what was left of him.

"Excuse me? Are you the person to talk to about...(akward pregnant pause) taking furniture to the...(another akward pregnant pause)... checkout and then out to the parking lot?" Good thing I have a pretty brain, just not a functioning one.