changes

...you wake up in the middle of the night, in a panic because you lost an alpaca/llama. One that you were using for knitting, but forgot about when you went to sleep. As you shoot out of bed with the realization that you really needed to find it because it was outside alone(bonus points were given for actually opening the front door and calling for the alpaca). I half woke up when I realized I was standing in my door looking for this lost alpaca/llama, confused as to why I was up and searching for this animal, I tried to convince myself that I indeed did not have any live animal, inside or outside, that I was using for knitting. I was half-way convinced of this, and fell back asleep, only to wake up in a panic a little while later with the renewed feeling of panic over the lost fiber animal, mixed with a bit of anger over letting myself fall back asleep before when there was a lost alpaca/llama. Thankfully when I woke up this morning, I realized that it was just a dream, and remembered most of what had happened, and could be happy with the fact that my crazy is still very much intact.

While I know that is isn't like me to melodramatic (Bwhahahaha), boy am I melodramatic tonight. Right now I feel panicked, like I need to do something to fix everything that is spiralling out of my control. Things that I never had any control over in the first place, but regardless of that, I still felt like I should have some sort of influence on the outcome. Apparently not so. Let's rehash the whole situation with the boy...oh wait...is there even a situation? (insert manical laugh here). I see where I want to be in terms of my emotions for him, I see where I need to be, but no matter how much evidence I get that I am just spinning my wheels in the mud puddles of crazy, I can't get enough momentum to get over the hump of hopin' and wishin', and I wind up even more stuck then I was in the beginning. I really should have moved to a more arid climate, less rain means less chance of puddles. What is even more annoying about all this, is that I see have seen the same sort of reactions and feelings in my friends, and it is those feelings that make me think how foolish they are being. Where in the hell does that leave me? really fucking crazy, and disappointed in my weakness.