changes

While I know that is isn't like me to melodramatic (Bwhahahaha), boy am I melodramatic tonight. Right now I feel panicked, like I need to do something to fix everything that is spiralling out of my control. Things that I never had any control over in the first place, but regardless of that, I still felt like I should have some sort of influence on the outcome. Apparently not so. Let's rehash the whole situation with the boy...oh wait...is there even a situation? (insert manical laugh here). I see where I want to be in terms of my emotions for him, I see where I need to be, but no matter how much evidence I get that I am just spinning my wheels in the mud puddles of crazy, I can't get enough momentum to get over the hump of hopin' and wishin', and I wind up even more stuck then I was in the beginning. I really should have moved to a more arid climate, less rain means less chance of puddles. What is even more annoying about all this, is that I see have seen the same sort of reactions and feelings in my friends, and it is those feelings that make me think how foolish they are being. Where in the hell does that leave me? really fucking crazy, and disappointed in my weakness.