changes

K- I am writing this in hopes that it will put me to sleep. I have been home since 5 am, and I can't sleep. Loosing my drunk mind. Soooo, started off the night by going to the 72 hour jam at Dooly's, totally packed with great music. We are there for about 10 minutes when this guy approaches us. He tells us him name is Bob, and that he is reporter for the Winnipeg Sun. Right off the bat, I knew that this guy wasn't from the Winnipeg Sun....why the hell would he be at the free jam venue? He had no press pass, and looked like he just graduated from university. Bob was no reporter. Bob was a scamer. Then out of the blue, the rest of his flock show up around us. And the stories! Appparently, Bob is a logger when he isn't a reporter for The Sun. His two friends Chris and Bruce were also loggers, oh, Bruce was also their boss, a student at MUN, and the list goes on. These boys were cute and funny, and who was going to deny a little attention. Bruce and I were having a good conversation when he asked me what I did for a living...told him that I am an ever so glamorous fisheries researcher. At that he took my hand and led me away from the group so that "we could talk"--this whole situation was just laughable, 15 minutes after getting to the bar, some guy is taking me to the corner to talk. I felt like I was in high school all over again, and was trying to figure out if I wanted to revist the Bar Slut scene after the whole B-Rad thing. He led me over to the quietest part of the bar, where there were two chairs, we were right in front of the windows, and I was going to count down the minutes until we were kicked out of this place. He kneeled down in front of me, and said "You are a fisheries researcher? I can't believe this, we walk over to you guys to talk to some pretty girls, we all had our stories, but when I found out that you were a fisheries researcher, I just had to talk to you alone- I work in the fishery too!" And we just talked, about fish, and the fisheries. It was unbelievable! Never have I been picked up because I worked in the fishery! Thank you $40,000 degree. I looked like a total igit, he kept asking me questions about our fishery, and because I am such good fisheries scientist I had no clue and lied, hoping beyond hope that he had no idea what it actually was (I said it was 6 months- and I am not coherant enough right now to find out right answer, and I know now that cohoe Salmon have a gestation period of 37 years--SEXY!) So, being me, I both kinda wanted to get back to my friend's after my showmanship of intelligence, and also give this guy an out if he wanted one. He didn't want one. He became my attachment for the night. He was incredibly sweet, a horrible dancer, and was totally unfraid of being a nice guy in front of his friends. This is the beginning of my dilemma and I am none to sure that it actually makes sense, see, I being the Queen of Low Self Esteem was faltering between he really likes me, and he is just taking one for the team and wants easy sex. Some things led me to believe that he really liked me for me, but I think that I was looking for some reason to not have to believe that. I made a few half assed attempts to ditch him, but he was always still waiting for me. That was my drunken litmus test for him: I thought that if he was just in it for the sex than he would find some other bimbo to seduce. In my last attempt, E and I went out on the dance floor for a while, and when we came back M read me the riot act of Bruce. I had to stop waffling, Bruce was waiting for me, and if I didn't want him then say so, if I did then fine. He ended up staying while his friends went home (which was a $22 cab ride). Now we come to delima 47,876 in Krista Land. I am 24, I am not looking for one night stands, and I knew that was what this was. I just don't have the emotional capacity for it anymore, I stupidly wind up getting too attached for no reason, and I just get hurt in the end. So, in my drunken state, I decide to be "open" with Bruce, after his friends have left him there with me. I told him that there was no way that I was going to be a night of easy sex, I apologized for maybe leading him to believe that, but that was the way it was, plus I figured that we were both too drunk. Once again, he dragged me off to some corner, and started talking again. He started off telling me that he is a Captain of a Research Vessel, and is here in Sydney on a course. All his friends from before are on the course as well. He also told me that never before had he had so much fun with someone he met at a bar, and that if there was to be no sex, then that was completely fine, he would much rather just sit and talk to me somewhere. I wanted to marry him on the spot (and I can totally see why Britney and Jason Alexander made such a decision...if we were in Vegas, I think that we would be married now, however illogical). We realised that our plan for coffee were rather silly since it was 3 am and there was no place to get any...or we were too drunk to find any. So, we decided to do a tour of Sydney. We walked around holding hands and kissing in front of the World's Largest Fiddle. It was fun, he was cute, but despite our earlier talks I think that he was still looking for the sex (which I was too at this point). In my least finest moment ever, we walked into the Cambridge Suites Hotel on the waterfront, at 4 am and asked for a room. I felt like a two dollar whore. Thank god it was ECMA weekend, and there were no rooms left because by that time I was all for the hotel room. So back on the road again, and Bruce wanted to find another hotel. Finally the rational side of my brain started to function, and I told him that I thought it was best if he went home, and I did the same. He seemed to agree, and hailed a cab and got in it....although Bruce was holding the cab until I got in...I stuck my head in the door, and told them to take off without me. I shut the door, and jumped in the next cab...and who did I see walking towards it as I shut the door? Bruce. And what did I do? I told the driver to leave quickly before he got to the car. So I left Bruce standing in the freezing cold, without his friends, at 5 am. And I feel like a bitch. But I don't know if I should or if I was being smart by getting out of a situation that I didn't want to be in. Regardless, the night is over, and silly Crush Crazy Krista is wondering if she let something really good go....(man, I just flip flop back and forth on this --sick). I think that I watch too many sappy romantic comedy's.