As time passes, I find myself reliving the dreams I had for the 24 year old me when I was a kid more frequently. Probably because I am trying to compare where I wanted to be and where I actually am. Sadly, there are not at all similar. Those dreams of the 24-year old me were filled with white knights on white horses, rushing me off to our white mansion with white picket fences, and never ending happiness. There are no white knights in my life, nor white horses, or *gasp* white picket fences. At this point I feel that everyone else has already ridden away on a white horse with their white knight, while I am stuck here taking care of the place while everyone is gone, and trying to decide which of the leftover, less savory Black Knights I want to be with. In an attempt to be a more positive person, I will repeatedly tell myself as I watch yet another one of my friend's sashsay into a happy relationship or marriage, that I too, will eventually find the "right" man, and everything will work out, white horse and all. But after saying this to myself for so long, I am really beginning to wonder if I am just deluding myself into some kind of false optimism in order to prevent myself from sliding down deeper into a depressing spinsterhood? Where does someone find the courage and willpower to continue looking for "the one"? I think that what makes the whole process that much harder is constantly getting small, fleeting glimpses of what could be. It might be something as mundane as seeing two friends in love, and witnessing those little moments that make being with someone so special- looks, subtle touches, knowing smiles. Or it could be just being held by someone for a short period- a dance with a friend or even a stranger- just having someone to hold you up, and having strong arms around you for a time can make you ache with what you don't have. I still haven't given up- you can still find me peeking around corners, looking for the answer to all my dreams. But I think that maybe I might have to stop looking for the white knight, to rush me off into the sunset...maybe I need to realize that white knights aren't all they are cracked up to be, and I can be just as happy with the court jester, or even a black knight. I suppose we will have to see as the search still continues!