1. watching the gold medal ceremony for the female wrester Carol Huynh. When the national anthem started to play, there were tears. Proud tears! 2. seeing a wedding caravan covered in pink and white balloons streaming down the road with horns beeping and people inside with the widest smiles imaginable. Happy people! 3. watching copious amount of Bones. So much emotional angst. But so good!
...you wake up in the middle of the night, in a panic because you lost an alpaca/llama. One that you were using for knitting, but forgot about when you went to sleep. As you shoot out of bed with the realization that you really needed to find it because it was outside alone(bonus points were given for actually opening the front door and calling for the alpaca). I half woke up when I realized I was standing in my door looking for this lost alpaca/llama, confused as to why I was up and searching for this animal, I tried to convince myself that I indeed did not have any live animal, inside or outside, that I was using for knitting. I was half-way convinced of this, and fell back asleep, only to wake up in a panic a little while later with the renewed feeling of panic over the lost fiber animal, mixed with a bit of anger over letting myself fall back asleep before when there was a lost alpaca/llama. Thankfully when I woke up this morning, I realized that it was just a dream, and remembered most of what had happened, and could be happy with the fact that my crazy is still very much intact.
Labels: crazy stands for Krista, knitting
From weddings that I was invited to, but not really; to introductions never made; to me feeling inadequate yet again when it comes to a certain group of people. Let me preface this post by saying that these are people that I have loved and held up above everyone for as long as I can remember. Why, I'm not really sure anymore. I think that there is another post in here that says that exact same thing as I am saying now. This always happens with them, and it pisses me off that I am never good enough. Especially because if the situation was in reverse, I would never treat them the way that they treat me. Why do I let them continue to make me feel this way? Probably because they are family.
It was after I decided to sleep with my bedroom light on that I remembered why I stopped reading Stephen King novels, aside from the fact that they got increasingly worse with time. After jumping up and investigating every footstep I heard through my window, and then closing the window because the wind was starting to sound really eerie. Which quickly led to putting the blind down because the shadows of the trees were REALLY starting to look sinister. While I was trying to calm my racing heart, I realized that it was the damn book I was reading. I am currently reading King's newest book called Duma Key. It's not a gory story, filled with guts and such; but it is seriously freaking me out. Even SK's picture on the book jacket is freaky. No wonder he writes such terrifying works. I just tried to find the same picture online, but I can't look at pictures of him anymore....I am just getting more creeped out by the minute. UGH.
Labels: reading
It seems that all I have been writing here lately is an apology that I haven't been writing on here more. It's mostly to myself because this blog was always a nice way to try and write something...but lately I have been either apathetic to writing, or when I did write something, it didn't sound right... Also, I don't have much to write about. My life is pretty static and boring right now. I could go on for days about all the negative things, but what's the fun in that? I am going to work on it...see what I can do.
I have been so negligent of this blog lately, so I decided that the latest installation of conversations with Nana: Easter version, would be a great way to get back into the swing of things. So it's easter dinner at M and J's...everyone is at the dining room table, devouring a delicious meal. Then it happens....out of the blue. In front of my entire family. Nana: "Well Krista, I would really like to see you married before I die you know" Me: "...." Nana: "You know, really fall in love, head over heels. Head over heels Krista (she then starts spinning her hands in the air wildly trying to mimic falling head over heels), do you know what I mean? Do you understand?? HEAD OVER HEELS" Me: " Yes, Nana, I understand...I would like to fall in love too" Nana: "Well, you are really dragging your feet about it, what's your problem?" Me: "..............." Happy Easter!
Labels: conversations with nana.
Last night as I was doing something around the sink (I can't remember what it was now) and I bumped something off my very cluttered counter with my elbow and subsequently heard it crash to the ground. Where it smashed into a hundred little, tiny pieces. As it was falling, I had all these images of what it might be, my favorite mug, a bowl that was a gift from a good friend, or one of my few glasses. When I looked down, I realized it was my coffee pot, and I felt bad for not thinking of it when I was imagining what had broke, because once I saw that it was gone, I realized I loved it the most. The coffee pot was the straw that broke the camels back for me. Yes, I know it was just a coffee pot, but it was just ONE more thing that has gone wrong in the past while. Let's make a short list shall we?
- Car was broken into. Everything was stolen, almost every CD I own with the exceptions of the ones I don't really want, like Theory of a Deadman. Realized later in the week, that only did they get my CD's, but my GPS, my cellphone, and basically anything else I was housing in the trunk for safety that I had forgotten about. They didn't take the 3 fondue pots though. Small miracles eh?
- I now don't sleep, because I am waiting for the thieves to come back. So every cough, sneeze, laugh, car door, etc I hear outside my window, I am up and ready to attack. During one of these checks, I knocked over the mirror in my bedroom, breaking it into tiny, little pieces. 7 years bad luck! Whoohoo!!
- I threw out the brownie checkbook by accident and had to explain to the others that yes, I really am that stupid. New checks won't be in for a week and we need checks NOW.
- Then the coffee pot broke
- EVERYTHING ELSE
I'm still having trouble writing anything, anywhere. Every day I think that I need to write something...either here or somewhere else, but haven't. I am once again going to try and make an effort...you know, for my public (me). I am still feeling the same as before, a little resentful of certain things, a little left out of things, a little sorry for myself. I was doing so well with going to the gym the past while...I was even starting to feel better; but then this past weekend all I wanted to do was sit on the couch and eat and do nothing. Which I did to the best of my ability. I hate these funks. I am back on the whole I am only going to do what I want and say what I feel. It never works out that well in the end. I'm so afraid that I have made the friends that I have based on my passivity, and if I start to become more assertive, then I am going to lose them along with the comfort that doing what everyone else wants me to do comes with. Not a win-win-win situation. Blah. This is boring. Must find something exciting to write about. Or at least a little humorous.
When attempting to slough off the 15 pounds you have recently gained, do not go to Wal-Mart and pick up a giant bag of chocolate halloween candy. It's not going to help.
It's been forever since I have written here, but I haven't really been feeling motivated to talk about anything. I have become so lazy that composing a coherent email has become taxing, which is rather sad. Not sure why things are they way there are....they just are. I figured it's about time to work on fixing that. Recently I have been feeling very frustrated with people. Especially the fake people...and not just just regular people, but family. There are a certain few who I have lost all patience with. They live in a world where everything and everyone has it's/their place, and if you fall outside of that line drawn in the sand, you lose... Everything is about appearances, and creating the perfect illusion of happiness. I'm sick of it, especially since I can never quite measure up, and wind up ruining the balance. I'm also sick of how much I care about having their approval, and always waiting for the other shoe to drop...it really shouldn't matter, but it does. Down with ignorance.
Is knowing that you will be content in a life with someone enough? Not devastatingly in love with someone, just happy to be in their company. Your life would be a full of laughter and fun, kids and family. Is this a recipe for eternal happiness or the opposite?
I LOVE weekends. Especially Friday's where you can go to bed and bask in the fact that you don't have to be jarred awake by the bleary blarking of the alarm clock at an ungodly hour in the morning. Even though I don't tend to sleep- in anymore, I still really enjoy the freedom of being able to wake up whenever I want. This past Friday was one of those nights....although when I went to bed, the new neighbors next door sounded like they were having a bit of a party, with "Holla Back Girl" and "Promiscuous Girl" blaring out of their house in the wee hours of the morning...I was a bit p.o.'ed, but then remembered that it was the weekend! I feel asleep with a good sleep-in penciled in for Saturday morning. Let's fast forward to 6:23 am, Saturday morning. I was awoken by the vibrations of "Jesse's Girl" being played next door at about 287.4 decibels above an average listening volume. I was furious! It was 6:30 on a Saturday morning! As I lye there and fumed and toss and turned in an attempt to get back to sleep, I had an eerie sense of deja vu...they were playing all the same songs from the night before! Complete with "Funky Cold Medina", AT 6:30am on a SATURDAY. I grabbed my schedule for the day, erased the sleep-in that was planned, and in it's place put: irrational rage and belted out (without thinking of course) "Some people are trying to sleep". Maybe if they could hear me over their music it might have had some sort of effect...or not...I could feel my face burning with the embarrassment over what I had just done. I resigned myself to the idea that my day had begun. Needless to say, the new neighbors will not be getting a welcome to the neighborhood basket from ME!
Have you ever had someone is in your subconscious so much that you start to see them, or at least people that resemble them everywhere? I happened to see him sitting alone on a bench in the airport, clutching a carry-on bag, looking lost. I had just got off the plane, I was tired and very cranky, and as I walked past this man, all I could think about was how much he looked like him. I looked over again as I passed, and then I realized that it really was him, here at the airport, 4 hours from home, at the very same time I was there. It was almost surreal to catch him in that moment. He looked up and saw me, and I swear I could see every thing that I just thought run through his mind. That moment of recognition, probably coupled with the sheer surprise of him easily being the LAST person on earth I expected to see at the airport, made me forget how angry I am with him. It was also his tangible vulnerability that drew me to him...that one characteristic that I always knew he had, but tries so hard to hide. Thankfully (I can't believe I am saying this) he was just going to France for work, and it wasn't THE flight out of here...I am never going to learn am I?
right now, all I can hear is someone repeatedly clicking the top of their pen. Over and over and OVER again. Is there anything more annoying once you hear it? Oh wait, yes there is, the secretary's laugh from down the hall. Maybe sharing the carpeted castle with g. wasn't so bad after all?
Today will mark my third work out at our local YMCA. It's certainly been an unforgettable experience. e's and I first experience was probably only funny if you had been there. After our tour of the facilities, we were set free in the "conditioning centre" for our free complimentary workout for just considering joining. When you walk in, all that is visible are all the flushed faces of the people sweating out their latest workout. e and I walked in nervously, looking as though we had never seen a treadmill or elliptical in our lives. All of the cardio equipment is in the centre of the room, with all the weight machines lining the perimeter of the room. The very front row of equipment, and the closest to e and I was the stationary bikes, we signed ourselves up for the two that were closest and tried to walk over like we knew what we were doing. As I sat down on the seat and affixed my feet to the pedals, I remembered all the time I had spent on other bikes just like this one, and I knew that everything was going to be just fine. Then the shuddering started. Every five or so rotations of the pedals forced the bike into some kind of shock where all it would do was shudder and clank, and it would only stop when I would stop pedaling for a minute. I would then start again after the clanking and shuddering abated, but alas, after another five or so rotations we would begin the whole thing again. My nervousness at being at the new gym for the first time, my mild to moderate social anxiety, AND the clanking/shuddering bike led me to have an uncontained laugh attack. To the point that I couldn't breathe and tears were streaming down my face. Finally e took the initiative and firmly stated that we were going to change bikes. The rest of the workout when without incident, although I probably didn't make the best first impression on all of those YMCA-ers. Also something I have noticed, and I am not sure if it's because this is the first co-ed gym I have been to or not, but there are a lot of men who come to the gym in regular every day clothes. Like a pair of jeans and a shirt. One guy looks like he just came from work on a construction site, boots and all, and decided that a quick little spin on the elliptical would be an excellent end to the day. Men who tuck their workout shirts into their too-tight splash pants are also quite popular...again, why the tucking in? Hmmm...maybe I should try and cut back on the judgment.
In all of the bathrooms in the new office building, I have found reading material in the bathroom. The women's washroom. I find this odd, is it? Nothing like the latest version of Canadian Living to help the bathroom visit pass by more enjoyably. New office is amazing. Although already I am falling victim to the vending machines and cafeteria. No will power.
I saw the working girl again recently! As I was on my way home from work, out of the corner of my eye I spotted something that made me look twice. Crossing a crosswalk was a person in a grey suit, waving a long, slender white stick like a parade master waves a baton as they were crossing the street at a snail's pace. I quickly realized it was my old friend...and smiled to myself as I watched her go on her way. What is she up to?
Labels: only in Cape Breton
I LOVE rap music. Snoop Dogg? Eminem? Missy Elliot? Timbaland? LOVE IT. No longer will I turn down my D12 CD so that it can't be heard. Transformers are an 80's children's cartoon. I don't think that it is right that an adult should idolize them, and have action figures displayed in their living room. They make me uneasy. ugly, cheap dress shoes don't go with too-tight, crotch-rotting, hiked up to the armpits, acid washed Wal-mart jeans. I think that family guy is HILARIOUS! I watch it every chance I get. Brian, the talking dog? He's effing fabulous. Also I quite enjoy reruns of That 70's Show. the oven doesn't NEED to be preheated every time. Food will STILL COOK! spoons, stir-sticks, even forks and knives do a much better job of stirring drinks than fingers do. Just because you don't like something, or don't understand something, doesn't mean that it's stupid.
I deactivated my facebook account today. It was causing me waaaay too much drama, and it was encompassing too much of my life. but now what am I supposed to do? hehehe.
Today marks one year since Nichola's death. Like her birthday, I don't think that she would want everyone feeling sad over what can't be changed. It's so amazing to see how many lives she has touched. Whenever someone dies, there is always this innate ability that people have to only remember the positive things about a person. You forget about how they drank too much, or how they used to tease you about your weight, or their really annoying habit of picking their teeth at the dinner table. Those things are all pushed aside to remember the good things. But with Nichola there were no bad things to gloss over in order to focus on the other, nicer, prettier things. I was again reminded of this, when I put up a picture of her and I on facebook. People that I haven't talked to in years were messaging me telling me how they were missing her too. I have this problem of being too self-centered, and don't realize that there are so many other people asides from just me who are missing her. It made me that weird combination of happy and sad (which I suppose is called bittersweet isn't it?) and knew that she would be happy to see how much she was loved. I have been writing this post all morning, trying to find the right words to express what it is I am feeling, and saying something that I haven't already said so many times before. As with anything emotional, I have a hard time expressing myself and dealing with it....as I am still feeling guilt over the woulda, shoulda, coulda thing. But then this morning, I received the greatest email ever from e. who knew exactly how I was feeling and thinking, and made me realize that it is all ok. I have regrets about how I treated Nich, and guilt over the way I felt and the way that I acted, but that doesn't mean that I don't have a right to miss her, or love her...and she knows that.