So, there is someone new in my life. Or I suppose more accurately, there is someone from a different part of my life, who played a very different role, who is now someone completely different to me.
Since being laid-off in February, I seem to have lost my drive to do anything. I haven't gone out to take pictures, I haven't written anything in ages, I certainly am not eating right, and I'm not working out. I have still been reading and knitting which is something I suppose. I remember thinking how being unemployed would be this great time to get creative, and really have a chance to see what it was that I could do. Apparently that isn't much. I wonder if watching Ellen complusively at 11 counts as something I do well? It's been one of those times where I've been feeling at a loss, but wasn't sure how to deal with it; or felt that the things that were bothering me were just too superficial and retarded to warrant me writing about them. Or, the thought of using up energy regurgitating my thoughts made me need yet another afternoon nap. Daddy Warbucks helped me buy a computer for my birthday, and surprisingly, I didn't turn into Carrie Bradshaw as soon as I opened it. I really thought that was going to happen. Odd. But hopefully having my computer aound me all the time will make it easier for me to be on here more. Here's to restarting!
Some friends and I went out to eat at a local Don Cherry's. I spotted something on the menu that I couldn't let pass me by without taking a photo of it...muffaletta pizza eh? How very interesting.
Mini-Chocolate Bars consumed: 47 Fuzzy Peaches/Swedish Berries/Sour Patch Kids mini-bags consumed: 9 Times I went to the gym today: 0 Hours spent lying around watching TV: 5 and counting Pounds gained: to be determined at a later date. Good work will power! You and I are a fabulous dieting team!
As I sat there at the table across from her father, I felt so nervous. There always seems to be a thin line between excitment/nervousness at seeing her family again and that strange ache. After making the arrangements to meet him for breakfast, the happy feeling of seeing him again, was chased away by that ache, and the realization that what would be a simple breakfast to anyone else was going to be filled with unspoken memories of a girl we both loved, and a renewed sense of loss. There was a lot of smoothing and re-smoothing the napkin in my lap, and an admiration of how ugly the shade of orange the napkin was. After covering all the general conversation topics, I decided to be bold and tread into the territory that I always fear. I asked about their trip to PNG, and as I saw his eyes well up, I thought for a moment that I may have made the wrong decision, but by then it was too late. As we he started to talk about it, out of his line of vision, an middle-aged man sat down facing me, just behind our table, who was meeting a friend for breakfast as well. He had white hair that was receding deeply from the top of his head, and he was wearing what appeared to be a new pair of jeans with a bright red three button shirt with a yellow ribbon adorning the left side of it saying "Support Our Troops", directly over his heart. As I listened to her father talk about how now there is a doctor in PNG who has lights over his operating table that services a village of over 7,000 people, I wondered about this man, and the coincidence that sitting not even 3 feet from him was a father of a slain solider. The rational side of me said that today was Red Friday, and he was likely just a supporter of the troops wearing his red. The other part of me, who believes that it was her who reached out to me the day of her wake, wants to think that this was just another way that she is reaching out to let us know that she knows we love her.
1. watching the gold medal ceremony for the female wrester Carol Huynh. When the national anthem started to play, there were tears. Proud tears! 2. seeing a wedding caravan covered in pink and white balloons streaming down the road with horns beeping and people inside with the widest smiles imaginable. Happy people! 3. watching copious amount of Bones. So much emotional angst. But so good!
...you wake up in the middle of the night, in a panic because you lost an alpaca/llama. One that you were using for knitting, but forgot about when you went to sleep. As you shoot out of bed with the realization that you really needed to find it because it was outside alone(bonus points were given for actually opening the front door and calling for the alpaca). I half woke up when I realized I was standing in my door looking for this lost alpaca/llama, confused as to why I was up and searching for this animal, I tried to convince myself that I indeed did not have any live animal, inside or outside, that I was using for knitting. I was half-way convinced of this, and fell back asleep, only to wake up in a panic a little while later with the renewed feeling of panic over the lost fiber animal, mixed with a bit of anger over letting myself fall back asleep before when there was a lost alpaca/llama. Thankfully when I woke up this morning, I realized that it was just a dream, and remembered most of what had happened, and could be happy with the fact that my crazy is still very much intact.
From weddings that I was invited to, but not really; to introductions never made; to me feeling inadequate yet again when it comes to a certain group of people. Let me preface this post by saying that these are people that I have loved and held up above everyone for as long as I can remember. Why, I'm not really sure anymore. I think that there is another post in here that says that exact same thing as I am saying now. This always happens with them, and it pisses me off that I am never good enough. Especially because if the situation was in reverse, I would never treat them the way that they treat me. Why do I let them continue to make me feel this way? Probably because they are family.
It was after I decided to sleep with my bedroom light on that I remembered why I stopped reading Stephen King novels, aside from the fact that they got increasingly worse with time. After jumping up and investigating every footstep I heard through my window, and then closing the window because the wind was starting to sound really eerie. Which quickly led to putting the blind down because the shadows of the trees were REALLY starting to look sinister. While I was trying to calm my racing heart, I realized that it was the damn book I was reading. I am currently reading King's newest book called Duma Key. It's not a gory story, filled with guts and such; but it is seriously freaking me out. Even SK's picture on the book jacket is freaky. No wonder he writes such terrifying works. I just tried to find the same picture online, but I can't look at pictures of him anymore....I am just getting more creeped out by the minute. UGH.
It seems that all I have been writing here lately is an apology that I haven't been writing on here more. It's mostly to myself because this blog was always a nice way to try and write something...but lately I have been either apathetic to writing, or when I did write something, it didn't sound right... Also, I don't have much to write about. My life is pretty static and boring right now. I could go on for days about all the negative things, but what's the fun in that? I am going to work on it...see what I can do.
I have been so negligent of this blog lately, so I decided that the latest installation of conversations with Nana: Easter version, would be a great way to get back into the swing of things. So it's easter dinner at M and J's...everyone is at the dining room table, devouring a delicious meal. Then it happens....out of the blue. In front of my entire family. Nana: "Well Krista, I would really like to see you married before I die you know" Me: "...." Nana: "You know, really fall in love, head over heels. Head over heels Krista (she then starts spinning her hands in the air wildly trying to mimic falling head over heels), do you know what I mean? Do you understand?? HEAD OVER HEELS" Me: " Yes, Nana, I understand...I would like to fall in love too" Nana: "Well, you are really dragging your feet about it, what's your problem?" Me: "..............." Happy Easter!
Last night as I was doing something around the sink (I can't remember what it was now) and I bumped something off my very cluttered counter with my elbow and subsequently heard it crash to the ground. Where it smashed into a hundred little, tiny pieces. As it was falling, I had all these images of what it might be, my favorite mug, a bowl that was a gift from a good friend, or one of my few glasses. When I looked down, I realized it was my coffee pot, and I felt bad for not thinking of it when I was imagining what had broke, because once I saw that it was gone, I realized I loved it the most. The coffee pot was the straw that broke the camels back for me. Yes, I know it was just a coffee pot, but it was just ONE more thing that has gone wrong in the past while. Let's make a short list shall we?
- Car was broken into. Everything was stolen, almost every CD I own with the exceptions of the ones I don't really want, like Theory of a Deadman. Realized later in the week, that only did they get my CD's, but my GPS, my cellphone, and basically anything else I was housing in the trunk for safety that I had forgotten about. They didn't take the 3 fondue pots though. Small miracles eh?
- I now don't sleep, because I am waiting for the thieves to come back. So every cough, sneeze, laugh, car door, etc I hear outside my window, I am up and ready to attack. During one of these checks, I knocked over the mirror in my bedroom, breaking it into tiny, little pieces. 7 years bad luck! Whoohoo!!
- I threw out the brownie checkbook by accident and had to explain to the others that yes, I really am that stupid. New checks won't be in for a week and we need checks NOW.
- Then the coffee pot broke
- EVERYTHING ELSE
I'm still having trouble writing anything, anywhere. Every day I think that I need to write something...either here or somewhere else, but haven't. I am once again going to try and make an effort...you know, for my public (me). I am still feeling the same as before, a little resentful of certain things, a little left out of things, a little sorry for myself. I was doing so well with going to the gym the past while...I was even starting to feel better; but then this past weekend all I wanted to do was sit on the couch and eat and do nothing. Which I did to the best of my ability. I hate these funks. I am back on the whole I am only going to do what I want and say what I feel. It never works out that well in the end. I'm so afraid that I have made the friends that I have based on my passivity, and if I start to become more assertive, then I am going to lose them along with the comfort that doing what everyone else wants me to do comes with. Not a win-win-win situation. Blah. This is boring. Must find something exciting to write about. Or at least a little humorous.
When attempting to slough off the 15 pounds you have recently gained, do not go to Wal-Mart and pick up a giant bag of chocolate halloween candy. It's not going to help.
It's been forever since I have written here, but I haven't really been feeling motivated to talk about anything. I have become so lazy that composing a coherent email has become taxing, which is rather sad. Not sure why things are they way there are....they just are. I figured it's about time to work on fixing that. Recently I have been feeling very frustrated with people. Especially the fake people...and not just just regular people, but family. There are a certain few who I have lost all patience with. They live in a world where everything and everyone has it's/their place, and if you fall outside of that line drawn in the sand, you lose... Everything is about appearances, and creating the perfect illusion of happiness. I'm sick of it, especially since I can never quite measure up, and wind up ruining the balance. I'm also sick of how much I care about having their approval, and always waiting for the other shoe to drop...it really shouldn't matter, but it does. Down with ignorance.
Is knowing that you will be content in a life with someone enough? Not devastatingly in love with someone, just happy to be in their company. Your life would be a full of laughter and fun, kids and family. Is this a recipe for eternal happiness or the opposite?
I LOVE weekends. Especially Friday's where you can go to bed and bask in the fact that you don't have to be jarred awake by the bleary blarking of the alarm clock at an ungodly hour in the morning. Even though I don't tend to sleep- in anymore, I still really enjoy the freedom of being able to wake up whenever I want. This past Friday was one of those nights....although when I went to bed, the new neighbors next door sounded like they were having a bit of a party, with "Holla Back Girl" and "Promiscuous Girl" blaring out of their house in the wee hours of the morning...I was a bit p.o.'ed, but then remembered that it was the weekend! I feel asleep with a good sleep-in penciled in for Saturday morning. Let's fast forward to 6:23 am, Saturday morning. I was awoken by the vibrations of "Jesse's Girl" being played next door at about 287.4 decibels above an average listening volume. I was furious! It was 6:30 on a Saturday morning! As I lye there and fumed and toss and turned in an attempt to get back to sleep, I had an eerie sense of deja vu...they were playing all the same songs from the night before! Complete with "Funky Cold Medina", AT 6:30am on a SATURDAY. I grabbed my schedule for the day, erased the sleep-in that was planned, and in it's place put: irrational rage and belted out (without thinking of course) "Some people are trying to sleep". Maybe if they could hear me over their music it might have had some sort of effect...or not...I could feel my face burning with the embarrassment over what I had just done. I resigned myself to the idea that my day had begun. Needless to say, the new neighbors will not be getting a welcome to the neighborhood basket from ME!
Have you ever had someone is in your subconscious so much that you start to see them, or at least people that resemble them everywhere? I happened to see him sitting alone on a bench in the airport, clutching a carry-on bag, looking lost. I had just got off the plane, I was tired and very cranky, and as I walked past this man, all I could think about was how much he looked like him. I looked over again as I passed, and then I realized that it really was him, here at the airport, 4 hours from home, at the very same time I was there. It was almost surreal to catch him in that moment. He looked up and saw me, and I swear I could see every thing that I just thought run through his mind. That moment of recognition, probably coupled with the sheer surprise of him easily being the LAST person on earth I expected to see at the airport, made me forget how angry I am with him. It was also his tangible vulnerability that drew me to him...that one characteristic that I always knew he had, but tries so hard to hide. Thankfully (I can't believe I am saying this) he was just going to France for work, and it wasn't THE flight out of here...I am never going to learn am I?